(Yeah, like you're really surprised I'm reviewing THIS one.)

This is a 2010 release, the brainchild of Eric Forsberg who wrote and directed. He really should have known better, but I have no regrets -- this movie is a riot. To wit:

TAKE: A school of GIANT, KILLER PIRANHAS that were specially designed (why???) by a team of American scientists, to be bigger, meaner, and more cussed independent than the regular kind. Because in America, bigger is better, and it's time that the Brazilians found that out for themselves.

SEE TO IT THAT: all the mutant fish are killled off before being introduced, alive and gnashing, into the Orinoco River. That's what I said. NEVER MIND; KEEP READING.

BE SURE THAT: when capured and examined by their creators, thw GIANT, KILLER PIRANHAS have all kinds of new features nobody thought of during the design phase. Let us find out how bad the fishies are by having them put the munch on a pleasure boat full of fat, drunken Americans partying with topless Brazilian women.

(I know -- the timing of my getting to see this, about 2 days after I heard about the American Secret Service scandal south of the border, was incredible. We can only wish that real killer Piranhas had been involved. Life isn't always fair.)

FOLD IN: Barry Williams -- best known to us all as Greg Brady -- in a nice suit, and arm him with a smartphone. Put him in what's supposed to be a secret survival bunker. Have him spend the rest of the movie striding around in said suit, yapping anxiously into said smartphone, no matter what low-clearance personnel might be listening in on the details of the secret mission he's sending our hero on.

ADD: Paul Logan, as the musclebound, steely-eyed, incredibly intense Special Ops guy. He is just as intense whether he is driving a hatchback down an empty road, wandering in an airport where he doesn't speak the language, or madly bicycling his legs in the air to protect himself from flying Piranhas.

SHOVEL ON BY THE BUCKETFUL: Lousy science, delivered incoherently by a team of American scientists who never quite explain why they went to Brazil to create a scarier Piranha, and who definitely never explain why bombs and poison would make the fish breed faster. Make sure they provide a computer-generated scenario indicating that if left to their own devices, the fish will get as big as school buses and -- within the next 36 hours -- swim all the way up the Mississippi River and kill everyone. The only answer? DROWN THEM.

Don't look at me, I didn't write the script.

SPRINKLE ON TOP: Huge-ass rubber Pirahnas, moved across the screen by strings, X-acto knives and Photoshop, gnashing their teeth all the way. Make sure they look more like regular Piranhas than the ones in the recent 3D remake of the Joe Dante original. But then louse it all up by having them as big as zeppelins, leaping out of the water to deploy themselves into the sides of warehouses that then explode, or just to put the munch on a helicopter in flight.

Bake for 92 minutes at 400 degrees Fahrenheit, slice and enjoy hot or cold.

TIPS:
>> Remember to use the electronic beeper that attracts Piranhas.

>> Remember to find a way to speed up the escape copter by attaching an oxygen bottle to the fuel line.

>> Remember to make the Piranhas mysteriously vanish as soon as they leap 20 feet out of the water to eat someone, stranding themselves upon dry land.

>> Make sure no blood or limbs, or any sign of a struggle, is left behind afterwards.

>> Remember to make the hunky hero and the sweaty, dissheveled, incoherent chick scientist kiss at the end, for absolutely no reason.

There is no reason not to see, like, and even own this movie.

Way ahead of you.

This was the first Asylum movie I saw that I didn't feel sorry I'd wasted time watching (not that I've seen nearly as many as, say, Mr. Foy, but still...) Happily, the blush wasn't off the rose the second time I watched it, either.



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I still hate that last-second kiss at the end, though.

Now that's a cheese fundu I can sit down for, and I did!
Very well said.

Fundu, or do you mean "fundament"?

I never even thought of dipping my Piranha niblets in melted cheese! What a concept!

New at McDonalds- PIRANHA NIBLETS! Now with Salsa!

There's a piranha soup (caldo de piranha) in Brazil that can be made with:

12 medium piranhas
4 cloves of garlic
salt and black pepper
2 limes
soy oil
2 minced onions
4 tomatoes
chopped cilantro
green onion

(if you want the rest of the recipe, let me know)

What I want to know is what counts as a "medium" Piranha down by you.